As Ava was driving to the roller rink to pick up her daughter, Eliza, she thought about how nice the meal with her best friend, Scarlett, had been going. They were enjoying each other’s company and Ava was able to relax for once. The ringing of her phone was annoying her, but Ava didn’t think it was important. Ignoring the phone, she asked Scarlett something that was on her mind.
“Do you ever wish that your life turned out differently?” Ava asked.
“Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if things were different, but I never wish they were different.” Scarlett replied.
“Are you happy with life in general?”
“Things could be better. Like if I had a million dollars, I would probably be happier, but yeah I’m happy.” She paused, then added, “Are you?”
“Depends on the day, I guess,” Ava said.
“Doesn’t sound like you are from that response?” Ava couldn’t do anything but shrug.
Of course, Scarlett was happy with her life, Ava was thinking as she continued her drive. Scarlett only has one kid whose already out of the house. Ava was married and a mother to three kids, but only one still lived with her. Even though her other two were out of the house, it didn’t stop her from worrying. Recalling the conversation with Eliza, Ava was flooded with guilt.
“Hello?” Ava asked.
“Hey, mom, I fell while skating. I landed on my arm, and I think I broke my wrist,” Eliza says.
“If your wrist is broken, I don’t think you’d be able to hold the phone.”
“I’m using my left hand. My right wrist is swollen, and I can’t move it.”
“Okay, hang on. I’ll be there soon,” Ava says.
Ava was contemplating whether it was really an emergency after hanging up. Eliza’s wrist could just be badly bruised, and her daughter might be mistaking that for a broken bone. Ava felt bad for not wanting to go get her daughter. But she rarely got to do what she wanted, when she wanted without some sort of consequence. On top of that, she was only able to come to her hometown every four or more years. And, when she came home, there was so many people to see that she didn’t have much time to give everyone, especially her best friend. Eliza hadn’t sounded like she was lying or exaggerating, though. She left money to cover the bill, and the two friends walk out together. After saying their goodbyes and a quick, tight hug, Ava rushed to her car.
An hour later, Ava was in the hospital’s waiting room with Eliza. The room was packed with people. Some of the issues were obvious, like the broken bones, colds and flu, and others weren’t easy to make out because there were no visible symptoms. Ava had entertained herself by people watching for a little bit and then pulling out her phone. Eliza, not being able to use both her hands, though, had occupied herself by closing her eyes and letting the time pass.
The more serious injuries were taken care of first, so the pair were left waiting. Eliza’s name was called. Once Ava and Eliza made their way back, they were told the doctors weren’t yet able to X-ray the broken bone. After splinting Eliza’s arm and giving her ice, her and Ava went back to their seats. Once back in the waiting room, Ava’s mind started wandering again.
Even though Ava hadn’t ever broken a bone, she had been in this waiting room quite a few times herself while she was growing up. Actually, this room was where she had met her best friend, Scarlett. Ava believed in coincidences, but she had strongly believed that day happened at the hands of fate.
She was twelve and it was November. On the last day of school before Thanksgiving break, Ava had been coughing all throughout math class. She had tried to settle the nasty cough with both cough drops and water, but the cough persisted. Eventually her teacher sent her to the nurses. In the small nurse’s office, her dad was called. He picked Ava up and took her to the hospital.
It had been hours of sitting in the waiting room with nothing to do when Ava noticed a girl, around her age walk in with her mother and her brother. Unlike this night in the waiting room, there were plenty of places to sit that November afternoon. But still the little party of three sat in the row facing Ava and her dad, a little to the right of them. After 30 more minutes of waiting with nothing to happen, the girl looked at Ava and just stared at her. Ava felt the gaze on her and squirmed a bit, trying to ignore it. In that moment it seemed like the girl had decided something. She came and sat next to Ava and introduced herself. The girl’s name was Scarlett. Ava shyly introduced herself. The two girls kept talking to pass the time, and Ava became more relaxed as they talked.
To pass the time, they had played all the middle school games, such as truth or dare and would you rather. When Ava’s name was called, she was sad to be leaving, so before she could go, she gave Scarlett her number and vice versa, so they could keep in touch. Ava often thought about this day with fondness and love for her best friend. That feeling radiated in her now and put her in a better mood while waiting for her daughter’s X-ray’s.
A couple days later, Ava and her daughter were sitting on the plane home to Chicago. Eliza had taken her pain medication but hadn’t fallen asleep yet. Ava stared at her daughter’s temporary cast. Ava thought about going home. She knew that she would be washing dishes the next day and would have to go grocery shopping. Their plane did not land until eleven that night, so she knew she would have to wait until tomorrow. Her relaxing vacation was coming to an end and life would go back to normal. Work, family, chores, an endless cycle of things to do. Ava tried to close her eyes but couldn’t fall asleep. She was now looking at her daughter’s face. Eliza noticed and turned toward her.
“What?” Eliza asked.
“Just thinking,” Ava replied.
“While staring at me?”
“Yeah. I didn’t mean to stare, just happened.”
“You know dad misses you.”
“What?”
“Whenever you leave, dad misses you.”
“How do you know?”
“He gets this look, and I can just tell. And after you get back, he gets this look of relief. When you had that principle’s conference and had to leave for the weekend, I saw it. That weekend, he just acted weird, like he didn’t know what to do without you.”
It had been a long time since she seen her husband like that. The first time she saw him happy was the first night they met. It was a high school party. That night, the guys from her high school started a big bonfire. There were kids from two different high schools there. Scarlett was from one of the high schools, while Ava was from the other, so they went together. Scarlett introduced Ava to one of the guys from her school. The guy, whose name was Derek, was overly excited from the constant laughing and smiling he did. The night was care-free, so Ava was also smiling for the better part of that night too. Then again, everyone’s cans were full of beer that night so how could anyone not be happy, Ava thought. Derek was the guy Ava would end up marrying. She would be happy with him for the better part of their marriage, but now her can wasn’t filled with beer, but with responsibility and worry.
Ava finally made herself go shopping after putting it off for a week. Eliza had come along to help her and keep her company, even though she couldn’t do much. Eliza was now in a blue permanent cast but still managed to push the cart around the store alongside Ava. They had already been there for an hour and the store was getting more and crowded as they walked around, trying not to forget anything.
As they were walking through the aisles, Ava was remembering what it was like to be Eliza’s age. So much going on and so much to do. Applying for colleges was the worst for Ava. She knew what she wanted to do at twelve and when she turned in her college application at seventeen, her daughters age, she couldn’t stop worrying about whether or not she’d get into her dream schools. Planning always kept Ava on track, so when she figured out what she wanted to do at twelve, she planned the rest of it out. Realizing that she didn’t know what Eliza wanted to do and wondering about it she asked her daughter.
“So, what do you want to do?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean what do you want to do for a living?”
“I don’t know. I haven’t quite figured it out yet.”
“Don’t you think you should soon.” Ava realized it came out more hostile than she intended but didn’t say anything.
“Well, I’m working on it,” Eliza said.
“I’d suggest working on it a little faster. Time is running out and you need some sort of plan.”
“Yeah, I get that, but I don’t need my whole life planned out. I know I need a plan, but I might figure out that plan more slowly than you did.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I mean, you talk about how you always knew what you wanted to do and started planning it out right away. Some people don’t know what they want to do when they are twelve. And some of us don’t need an intricate plan with every little thing written out.”
“That’s how you get what you want,” Ava said.
“What if I want to be happy?”
“Knowing what you want and getting it can make you happy.”
“Not necessarily.”
Ava didn’t say anything else. She let the silence hang in the air. She didn’t know how to make her daughter understand that you only get what you work for, and most times that includes some type of plan.
“Are you happy?” Eliza said, interrupting Ava’s thoughts.
“Of course, I am,” she said.
“No, you aren’t,” her daughter said.
“Yes I am. Why do you say that I’m not?” Ava asked.
“You paused before answering. And I see the way you look when we are sitting at dinner. You don’t look happy; you always look tired.”
“Of course, I’m tired. I do a lot: work, chores, bills, grocery shopping, taking care of y’all. But just because I’m tired doesn’t mean I’m not happy.” Her daughter didn’t say anything after that, so Ava let it go. When they got home, the two brought the groceries in. Eliza and Ava unpacked them, then Ava put them away, and started dinner.
When she was laying down for bed that night the conversation from the store popped back into her mind. She was sure she convinced her daughter that she was happy with the way things turned out. She didn’t want her daughter to think otherwise because that might mess with her daughter’s head. Ava had every reason to be happy; a good career, a caring husband, three healthy, good kids. But the question haunted her. Was she happy? She hadn’t thought about it in a very long time.
In fact, she couldn’t remember the last time that she gave it any consideration. But, now that she was, she was sure she was. If she was happy though, then why would she even question it? Why would her daughter question it? When someone is happy or content with their life, you usually pick up on it. Her daughter picked up on the opposite. Had everyone thought she was unhappy? These thoughts kept her up for hours until she couldn’t stay awake anymore and crashed.
Waking the next morning, Ava still was stuck on the happiness conversation with Eliza in the store. When they were unpacking the groceries after getting back from the store, Eliza surprised Ava by bringing the conversation back up.
“Dad’s happy, you know?”
“Why do you insist on talking about this?” Ava was annoyed by Eliza’s insistence.
“Because you need to know.”
“Your dad is happy because everything gets taken for him. I do everything and keep the house running and in order.”
“Don’t you think that he’s also happy because he has you in his life? Because I do.”
“I’m done with this conversation. Either drop it or go to your room until you can let it go.” Eliza made her anger clear by stomping up the stairs. Feeling bad about how she made Eliza feel the previous afternoon, she would try to make it better somehow.
That day was a stressful, almost disastrous day at work for Ava. In the morning, the school had a fire drill and a couple of students got into a fight. Then, in the afternoon another fight had broken out and the school had a lockdown. Luckily, the threat wasn’t too close to the school and the lockdown only lasted thirty minutes. Given the multiple interruptions throughout the day, Ava had to stay late to finish up some important stuff. Her head started hurting, so she closed her laptop to take a break, leaning back in her office chair. She closed her eyes and leaned her head back. She had thought about resigning for a while now and the thought had been occurring more and more as time went on.
Ava decided it was time to stop thinking and start acting. She opened her laptop back up and opened the file she titled Resignation. The half-written resignation letter had loaded onto the screen and she picked up where she left off. She would turn it in on Friday. Knowing that after she handed it in on Friday, she would only have to endure two more weeks made her feel relieved.
She hadn’t talked to her husband about it because she knew he would disapprove. They needed both their incomes to keep things afloat and she knew that he would use that as his main argument. At the moment, though, she didn’t care. She was doing what was best for her right now. She was finally putting herself first, after years of being selfless. She needed to do this, or else things would continue to get worse. She had already been coming undone, but nobody knew because she had learned to hide it. It was already seven by the time she had left the office.
Ava was walking out of the school for the last time. Three weeks had gone by, and she was officially off-duty. The Friday before her last week of work, she told her husband that she handed in her resignation letter, and he instantly got upset. He started saying that they couldn’t afford for her not to work. Ava argued back saying that she needed to do this for herself and explained how tired she was. Her husband claimed that he was tired too. How can you be so tired when you don’t do anything but work then come home? Caring only goes so far, Ava thought. She started to say these things but stopped herself, realizing that he wouldn’t understand no matter what she said or how hard she fought back. They still hadn’t spoken since then.
Right after the fight it was impossible for Ava to go to sleep. The only thing that she could think to do was grab her keys and go for a drive. With no one else to talk to, she pulled out her phone and called Scarlett. The phone had barely stopped ringing when Ava spoke.
“Do you think I’m happy?” Ava asked.
“It’s 3am, what?” Scarlett asked.
“Do you think I’m happy?”
“Based on our conversation at dinner a couple weeks ago, I don’t think you are.”
“I don’t what to do. Leaving feels like the only option, but it’s not fair to Eliza.”
“It’s also not fair for Eliza to have to see her mother be unhappy just for her sake. She’ll start to feel like it’s her fault and she doesn’t need that. Neither do you. I have a spare room that you can have. It’s yours if you want it.”
“You’re right, and I’ll take the room. I’ll text you tomorrow so we can work out some of the details. Love you, goodnight.”
“Love you too.” Scarlett said and then hung up.
Eliza was also affected by the arguing and not speaking. Eliza had made it clear that she mostly blames Ava for starting the fight by quitting her job. Ava had thought about changing jobs and Eliza questioned why she didn’t do that instead of not working entirely, but that would defeat the purpose of quitting. Ava wanted time to relax and freedom. Even though Eliza was visibly upset, at least she was speaking to Ava.
When Ava got home that night after her last day of work, she got a duffel bag out of the bottom of a closet. She packed some clothes in it, along with all her beauty supplies, including makeup, perfume, lotion, and various other items. As she packed, she thought of more things she would need, like her toothbrush and nail clippers. She finally finished packing. She tried to think of anything else she might want or need, but nothing came to mind. She put the now full duffel bag under her side of the bed. She would be leaving tomorrow, and she didn’t know if she was coming back. All she knew is that she needed time to herself.
She didn’t want to leave without saying goodbye to her kids but facing them might make her change her mind. Even if she didn’t change her mind, what would she say to them. Eliza, being seventeen, was the only one out her three children who still lived with Ava and her husband, so maybe she would just say bye to her in person and then call the others. She would avoid saying how long she was leaving for, making it seem like she would be back soon.
She decided she would wake up early and throw the bag in her car before saying bye to her daughter. That way her daughter wouldn’t see it and she wouldn’t question what her mom was doing. Ava felt her stomach turn. She knew it was wrong to deceive her child in this way but doing it any other way seemed so much worse to Ava. Even if she was honest, her daughter might ask to come with and Ava wouldn’t be able to say no, which would ruin the whole point of this trip.
She woke up early the next day. She quietly got dressed and pulled the bag from under the bed. Her husband stayed in his deep sleep, not hearing a thing. She put the bag on her shoulder and exited their room, shutting the door quietly behind her. She made it downstairs without the stairs making any noise. She opened the front door, which squeaked as she opened it then closed it again. She hoped no one heard it. She was at her car by the time she realized she left her keys on the kitchen counter.
Ava brought the bag back in with her, not wanting to leave it outside unattended. She grabbed the keys off the counter, but once she made it to the doorway of the kitchen, she saw her daughter standing on the stairs. Her daughter cautiously went down the remaining stairs.
“Where are you going? Ava’s daughter asked.
“Nowhere,” Ava said, knowing that the lie was thin.
“If you were going nowhere, you wouldn’t have a bag packed.”
“I’m going on a trip for a little bit. I don’t know where I’m going, but I just need time to myself.”
“Are you planning on coming back?”
“I may not come back to stay, but I will be back for you.”
“So, you’re just leaving?”
“I’m sorry. So sorry.”
“Even though I’m mad at you right now. I never wanted you to leave. I know dad doesn’t want you leave, either. I just wanted you guys to work it out. You still can, you know?”
“I’m not leaving because of you. It’s not your fault. Maybe someday me and you dad will work it out but not today.”
“He won’t be able to do this on his own. He doesn’t know how to keep the house going.”
“He’ll figure it out.”
“At whose expense? His? Mine?” Ava had no answers for that question, so she let it hang in the air.
Ava’s daughter walked her mom to the car. Ava could see the tear forming in her daughter’s eyes, but Eliza didn’t let them fall down yet. Ava knew that Eliza understood why she was doing this, but it didn’t mean that she wasn’t upset by it. Eliza and Ava were close, and Eliza never expected her mom to leave. How could she when Ava herself never expected that she would leave? Ava put the duffel in the back seat and shut the door. She opened the driver’s side door.
Before she got in, her grabbed her daughter and squeezed her tight, and gave her a firm kiss on the forehead. Ava felt her daughter’s breathing starting to get unsteady when she hugged her, the threat of hyperventilation creeping up on Eliza. Ava told her daughter that she loved her more than her daughter could ever begin to know, then got in the car. Ava saw an empty soda can sitting in the cup holder when she went to shift gears and was thinking that’s exactly how she felt. Empty, with nothing left inside. She would throw it away when she made her first stop. At the stop sign at the end of the street, Ava stopped and looked into her rear-view mirror. She saw Eliza watching the car, the blue cast on Eliza’s arm sticking out even with grey clouds covering the sun’s light. Her daughter started moving toward the house and Ava put her foot on the gas pedal, driving away. As she was driving down the street the question at whose expense? replayed in her head. Ava knew that her daughter probably let the tears fall now. Ava recalled the conversation in which she told her daughter she had to have a plan, but how do you plan on your mother leaving you, Ava thought, knowing that her daughter was asking herself the same thing.