cw: suicide
[1. Present Day]
Maddie slipped into the Pharmacy. Her daughter stayed in the car. It was the usual. Later, she returned, eased her hands onto the wheel and set down Wonderful Road. The brown bag shook violently. Sourness cinched her throat.
In her periphery, giant, smoothed patios with pretty palapas, trimmed into fantastic shapes,and in front of them, palm trees wagged like tongues. Goodbye! They said as her car crawled forward their speech garbled like they were talking under water. She stretched her neck towards the window, trying to hear them better and leaned further and further into their cries. Until, the honk of a horn shook her awake and just barely saved her from the collision with the car on her side. It’s okay. They were driving too slow for it to be too bad of a crash. Still, she glanced nervously at her daughter in the back seat.
Jaime didn’t notice, she was busy on her phone. She had been moving away from her mother for months now, withdrawing from her touch, showing no interest in her whatsoever. Even her face was scrunched up and constantly pensive around her mom, only shaking free when her mom caught her in a delightful moment of surprise. Of course, the mother longed for this, and so, she began to orchestrate more and more of these moments.
Today, she glanced in her car mirror and saw the ice-cream truck moseying behind her. The driver looked tired. He had a cap. The music wasn’t playing, and he was 3 cars behind. She signaled to him, and seeing her, he reacted like a bullet, racing to the light. He slid through two lanes, slotting perfectly next to her. The light changed. And when the other cars accelerated she tapped the gas just enough to move. Now the car and ice cream truck were in tandem. Maddie handed a 100 dollar bill through the window. Stunned, he sailed 3 popsicles through the backseat window onto the girl’s lap, and the mom saw, through the rearview mirror, Jamie’s grin growing like an open sky.
When they arrived home, Maddie went to the kitchen. She poured a glass of water and took a single pill out. Then she grabbed a handful. The dogs barked. Maddie shuddered. She saw the one dog open its jaws wide and she saw the roof which was pink with black shading, and its teeth sharp and dangerous. And then, she heard the other dog bark next to her.
She missed their first dog Gerad. She had loved Gerad. He was fluffy just like the dog in the show that Jaime loved. She couldn’t help but remember the day he gave Gerad back to his real family, and brought home the new pair of dogs from the shelter. It was the last time that she felt like doing the right thing.
***
“They’re brother and sister.” he raised himself up on his elbow, the whole mattress shifting beneath them, “I didn’t know what to do.”
“Guess you are a big sap,” she said.
He smiled. “You know you are too. Wouldn’t have imagined it right? The two of us, with Jamie, and two dogs. He reached for her, and tugged at her hair. Sherry was right. Maddie was nice. She didn’t do anything wrong. He remembered now. He did love her. He’d try harder. Maddie wouldn’t turn around. She kept her eyes on the wall.
“Everytime I see them. I’ll be reminded of double. I’ll remember. Forget. And then the other one will come by again. Once for each dog.”
“Reminded of what? That I love you?” he grunted.
“No.” She whispered. He was already falling asleep. He was asleep. She spoke it into the room. “That you’re a liar.”
***
She only realized when she swallowed. And then she was aware and suddenly terrified. She opened every drawer, hurrying to find her Bible. She needed to be assured, surely, God would understand. It was under the sink. She flung through the pages hoping for the ear-dong that told her it was okay. She found instead the crayon drawings Jamie made all over the story of Jacob. A yellow and blue sunset scrawled across two pages in choppy lines. Her face broke in delight, and she screamed, the genesis of a scream that never got out. What are you going to do now?
She knew. She called for Jamie then, who could hear her mother’s shout–but she was tempted to drown it out with music.
Jamie knew if she ignored her mom, one of two things would happen. And she was fine to deal with both. Her mom would either stop and in a few minutes, she would hear her on the phone chattering with someone about something exhausting and Jamie would’ve been right to ignore her. Or, she would come up the stairs mad and hurt and say the same thing she would’ve said anyways. Janine had been testing her mother’s limits these days, and so, she knew her mom would call again. Which was why the silence was so strange.
It freaked her out, and so, Jamie ran down the stairs and saw her mom sitting on the kitchen floor, the Bible flung open before her. She was relieved. She looked just as she had. She wore a purple dress, and her hair was down. Her face glistened. Her arms were immaculately pink and white. Feet bare. She was fine. Her lips and eyes lined with the normal precision. Still, Jamie went to her. Kneeled down next to her. And this is how it went:
After a few hasty attempts, herself, Maddie would guide Jamie’s fingers to the back of her throat. And with those same messy fingers Jamie would dial for help because she too now knew– her mother who adored her father– knew.
[2. Months Ago it was to Bring your Child to work-day. Of course Jaime went to the University with her dad. Her mother didn’t have a job.]
Jamie learned to write her name in beautiful penmanship early on. She had always wanted to model herself in her studies like her father. He was an academic. My needs are great, I can see that. Jamie wrote on the toilet paper. I will grow up to be tall, elegant, and all together, a beautiful woman, and I will be proud and impose on large numbers of people my will and they will see that I am right. She paused and tacked on “— and pretty.” I will make out the finest differences and find something true. She ended her speech there. Pulled up her pants, washed her hands and headed back to her dad’s office. She had always admired her dad’s diligence even if it flustered her mother. But this was before she knew.
She could hear her dad speaking to someone all the way down the hall. They were talking loudly. And Jamie could hear it.
“I saw that little girl crying. You took her dog! It went missing the morning you left my place.”
“Now, Sherry, calm down. This is not the time.”
“You were frantic. I get it, but I saw Maddie’s post ‘The most loved dog!’ Gosh, this is ridiculous. He’s right here! You know my neighbor already got her daughter a new dog. Tried to trick the poor girl. Look! It’s Floofy. The girl knew of course. It’s not! The girl was bawling herself to death, beating her fists against her mom. And the mom couldn’t say a word and I just watched their replacement dog running circles around them, feeling like hell more than I already do!”
Floofy. Jamie rolled the name over in her mind and then she pulled the doors open wide.
[Lost Excerpt my dog is not mine]
My dad grabbed Gerad back from her. He held Gerad by the neck. Then he placed my dog in his arms, coveting him. Gerad yelped. He was choking him. My dad’s shoes were covered in mud. We had splashed in the puddles together outside just moments before. When he turned, Gerad was yelping and dangling about and a mess was being made all across the floor, the dirt everywhere made mud marks that looked like an angel. He was screaming at her, telling her to get out. And I couldn’t look my dad in the eyes— it would assure us of each other’s new awareness— and this would shatter us both. He was so angry. He squeezed Gerad harder and harder and his paws were thumping against his arm. Instead, I stared at the angel arms, the angel face. “I wanted to be good,” said the angel. “I trust you,” I whispered. “I trust you, dad, I do.”
[1. More Present ]
Her mother was in the bed now. She had settled down but every time her breath stalled Jamie would sneak a finger beneath her nose just to make sure, and after a long while, when she was certain her mother was only sleeping, Jaime went downstairs to wait for her father.
Here was the truth. Everyday Jamie had felt, in every smile, in every hug, in every single thing she said to her mother, that she was traitorous, and she was ashamed because she loved her dad still and she carried this shame deeply and felt it sharpen at the sight of her mother, when she was being silly or otherwise. And to protect her dad, who she loved more, she shunned her mother. And her mother had almost died. And who’s fault was it really.
“Why are you staring at me like that?” her father said, his voice cracking at the end turning into an awkward chuckle.
But she couldn’t say to him that it was all unfair. How she feels like it is not fair. And so, without a word, Jaime stood up and climbed the stairs to her bedroom.
She sits on her bed facing the garden. She sighs. She spins on her heels once. She walks around her bed-side table three times. She sees a book lying there, and she picks it up. The book is titled MY DIARY. She leafs through the book, looking only at the pictures that she made, which are bright and beautiful. From her looking through the book the word “dog” sticks to her mind. “Dog” she chokes, “dog, dog”. She doesn’t know how many times she says it. She bends over touching her toes. The diary is sprawled out in front of her now. She stays in that position until she counts to one hundred. As she counts, she also reads:
[Lost Excerpt my dog is not mine continued]
“Go home, John. She won’t care.”
Sherry was probably right. She had a sense about her, that’s why he was so drawn to her– he justified. It was already 9:00 p.m. His meeting had long-ended and he was very far from home. He stepped onto the driveway and a dog in the yard directly across the street started barking and pawing at the wooden fence in a frenzy. When he got to his car, he checked his phone before going in and he saw that he had 15 messages, all from Maddie, and two missed calls.
She says she’s not feeling well. She’s really hurt her ankle at the basketball game.
Are you in the meeting right now?
Sorry. I’m getting really worried. You can’t get fevers from sprained ankles right?
Text me back. I’m calling the doctor.
Her fever is getting worse . Over a 100. Her eyes are getting weird and lopsided. The doctor says there’s not much to be done except Ibuprofen and rest at this hour.
Where are you?
This is important. I'm worried.
Hello
John?
???
Shit. He moved his fingers to type
Sorry. Just seeing these. Is she okay? What did the doctor mean this hour?
I’m so sorry. I forgot to check my phone.
He saw the bubble. Good. She was there. Okay. She was–
Why are you in Pennsylvania?
She had checked Find my Friends.
It would make sense to. It was late and there was an emergency. He looked back at the texts. She had been writing him since the game started at 3 P.M. The longer he waited the more suspicious he would look. He looked at Sherry’s house. Why did he come here? She should’ve gone to him. He couldn’t tell Maddie where he was. It wouldn't make sense, and he still wanted to get things right with her.
I drove down to get a surprise. After the conference.
Get what?
A surprise.
Well? What is it?
It’s… he had to think of something and every minute that passed would make it worse.
For us. Our family.
What is it? And hurry back.
A big. A-
He couldn’t think the idiot dog was still barking, and he wanted to divert the conversation because he needed to buy himself some more time or an idea. He typed
dog.
A dog? What? In Pennsylvania? Without talking it over with me?
What could he even say?
Not. Just a dog. The dog.
He sent it.
The dog that Jamie wanted.
What are you saying?
What was he saying?
The dog Jaime loves. The one on T.V. It looks just like him.
What are you talking about?
You know. The Fluffy one. The one everyone loves.
Then, he dashed across the street, opened the front gate, and grabbed the dog by the collar. Held it in his arms and shoved the dog into his car, pushing its tail in neatly behind him–then, the dog as if nothing had happened, clambered across the driver’s seat past the console, and sat down wagging its tail patiently in his new spot.
Jaime sees this entry. She sees it and sees it and she is furious. She is upset because it is all unfair. She feels like this is not fair. Because forever she will be marred by their actions. It is not fair that she will never get her normal things again. She flips through her diary which will have her normal things like her first period, her first crush. How she hates the new-girl Shelby but her friends love her. Her teacher’s mole and the hair growing on it. And Jaime will sweat because it is all lost to her, and she tries to write her name over the words of the lost entry using the sweat from her finger. She cannot write her name with the sweat from her finger. And her finger is wet, so she tries to clean it by rubbing vigorously on the page. And now the page has a dark spot, and her finger has a strong, burning sensation. Oh, sensation. She is filled with it. She is filled with the whole thing and she fills it too. About her secret, how she kept it against her mother and how now it is her fault, and this was the truth. And she is guilty. But this is unfair. And she will never not be a girl who is not guilty now. And she will scribble over all the pages with her whole sweaty palm now. Not just the finger. Then she will move onto even the blank ones. And she will be 13 and so angry and she will not feel ever again like a 13 year old. And she will know this. And know it and know it and know it and know and know and know and know.