Drinking Ketamine

I’m trying to stay away from drugs even when my sister calls my mother begging to hear my voice, and I deny it; I will always have to deny it. 
Sometimes, it feels like I’m making excuses for anyone but myself- anyone who needs me to put on a show so they can love me properly. 
I have to fall and allow no help to get me up straight again. Every day feels like a new sense of a worrisome sensation, but things will become more soon, right? 
While waking up for the day, I hold this grief that cradles me like a happy mother, and maybe I never learned how to grow up. 
I write to my sister and two brothers titled “thoughts that are hard for me to verbalize.” It didn’t matter what I had to stay, so I said it anyway. 
Happiness is something I can borrow and perform so well, except in the case of my family. Hearts are being murdered and eaten this year, so I’ll start counting down to the new year. 
Today is May 3rd. 
Patience is the devil riding me.