When I looked up at the clock, my heart sank. 8:02 A.M. Late. I was always late anymore. I kissed my grandmother goodbye and greeted Ruby, the nurse starting her shift. My boss already wanted to wring my neck for calling off last Friday, but when there wasn’t anyone to care for Granny, I had to stay and watch over her.
“She’s having a better day with eating,” I said, reaching for the unopened Twinkie box on the kitchen counter. My breakfast of champions.
“Great. I’ll try and get something hardy in her today,” Ruby replied, pulling a pencil from behind her ear. Her hair was perfectly styled in a slicked-back bun, the opposite of my current ponytail. My four-year-old niece could do better than the mess atop my head.
Lately, my grandma’s memory had been so bad she was struggling to speak, eat, and walk on her bad days.
“Bye, Granny. I love you!”
I planted a loud kiss on her cheek, making her laugh in response. Her gray eyes lit up, and she waved to me as I made my way to the exit of my home—actually, Granny’s home, to be exact. I’d just been living there as her caretaker for the past year and a half.
I swung my frayed Coach bag over my shoulder and ran out the door. Her car, I was borrowing this too, had just enough gas to get me to work without puttering out on the side of the street. Every day, I struggled to remember how to do simple human tasks and filling up the tank was one of them. Cooking had gone out the door too. I’d eaten more than my fair share of KFC and had the tight pants to prove it.
I pulled into the gravel lot attached to the building of Mount Hopeful Mfg, Inc, where I worked as a Design Engineer. The company was named after the small town it resided in. I called the city and the company Mount Hopeless, but that was more my own personal issues with being in South Carolina rather than my hometown near Cleveland. All my friends and extended family were still there, and I had been without them for too long.
I walked with uneven steps into the building, choosing to enter through the side door and avoid HR and my manager, who sat near the front. I finger-combed my hair one last time before entering the large red brick building.
“Mornin’, Addie!” Baxter called to me, a little too loudly.
Baxter was the project manager for the new in-home stair lift I designed. It was a passion project that I designed with Granny in mind. The lift worked with a person’s current wheelchair so they wouldn’t need to transition to a new seat to go up or down floors. That was the one nice thing about my job. I worked on products that improved people’s lives. My grandma was the most important person in my life, and seeing her deteriorate lately made me desire to help other elderly. It wasn’t glamorous, but I was fulfilled by my work. Well, mostly.
I winced before giving him a polite smile and wave. “Hey, Baxter.”
My heels clicked along the beige tile floor, no doubt letting Jason know I was late.
You knew not to wear these shoes, and yet you did.
Idiot.
I slung my bag over the back of my chair and logged into the computer. Only five unanswered emails so far.
“Addie.”
The color drained from my face as Jason’s voice rang from behind me. I sucked in a deep breath and tried plastering my best casual smile before turning around to face him. “Good morning, Jason.”
“You’re late again.”
His dark eyes were narrow as he stared down at me. My palms moistened.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t get great sleep last night because—”
“I don’t care. You need to be on time. I expect you’ll stay late tonight to make up your hours. Anyway, the reason I came over here was to let you know that River is going to be joining you on your trip next week.”
What. The. Hell.
“Why?” He wasn’t even part of marketing, nor did he do anything as our HR Manager besides piss people off. “What happened to Jennifer? She was supposed to go to all the conferences with me.”
“She has mono. We can’t afford to be down another engineer, so I asked River if he could go and man the booth while you give the presentations.”
Just perfect. My momentary escape from caretaking was going to be overshadowed by avoiding River like the plague. A man of few redeeming qualities, the least of which was giving me a write-up for tardiness last week. I tried explaining that the nurse was late, but he didn’t even let me speak. He just handed me the paper to sign and sent me back to my desk. River was sarcastic, rude, and full of himself. We only got along enough to make short quips in passing.
“Fine,” I said, unenthusiastically.
“Great. Glad that’s settled,” Jason said, leaning against the wall of my cubicle. He lingered, and I knew what was coming next, but I was prepared. “Now, do you have the talking points ready for the SAL Conference?”
Senior and Abilities Living was one of our biggest conferences of the year to show off our best and newest products. It was starting the next week in Miami. Luckily, it was only one night, so I wouldn’t be gone for too long. It made me nervous just thinking of not being within driving distance for twenty-four hours. But I needed it.
“Yes. Of course,” I said, pulling up my notes.
It wasn’t rocket science. The simpler, the better. If I bogged them down with the engineering side, I’d bore them to sleep. Safety, cost, and ease of use were what they cared about.
Jason didn’t respond. He just nodded and left.
By noon, I had checked in on Granny, gotten some 3D models made of a chair lift we wanted to test next, and given myself five minutes alone in the bathroom to hyperventilate about my upcoming trip.
I hadn’t left her side except for work since I moved in. Everything I did was to provide for her and care for her. She was like a second mother to me growing up, and now it was my time to pay her back for everything.
My phone vibrated in my back pocket and the screen lit up with Brooklyn’s name. I smiled, knowing at least she would let me complain about River. Being my best friend, she knew when I needed to vent.
-They’re sending WHO to travel with you?!
-Do you want me to meet you in Miami? I can crash in your room and wait drunkenly for you by the pool!
I smiled at her offer. Brooklyn couldn’t join me, and we both knew it. She had just become engaged last month and was in saving all her PTO for a luxury Italian honeymoon with Matt next year.
-That’s okay. I can’t promise River will return unharmed, but we should be fine as long as he leaves me alone after hours. That’s my ME time. I think we can handle one overnight trip together. 🙂
I slid my phone back into my pocket just in time for River to be standing behind me at my desk. Did he see his name on the screen? If he did, his face didn’t show it.
“Addie,” River said in an almost bored tone. His dark eyes were piercing, even with his unaffected face.
“Hey, River. Just heard the news that you’ll be joining me at the conference. You didn’t have any plans in your personal life that would keep you from traveling on such short notice?”
River pinched his brows together, and I’m almost certain I visibly winced. He ran his fingers through his dark hair, accidentally pulling apart one of his ringlets of curls. I knew I had no life either besides taking care of Granny, so it wasn’t exactly an insult to just him.
“I guess not. We’re similar in that regard, I suppose.”
My hands tensed as I moved them to my lap. “So, what can I do for you?”
He crossed his arms. “Just wanted to know if you could send me your talking points so we’re on the same page at the conference. If you’ve had a chance to pull yourself away from your phone long enough to make them.”
“I have them. I’ll email you a copy now.” I wanted our interaction to be short. I’d handwrite my notes a thousand times if it got him away from me.
River nodded and turned away briefly before quickly coming back. “Oh, and I promise not to interrupt your ‘you’ time.”
My cheeks heated to oblivion. A smirk grew on his face that made me want to scream. Instead, I swallowed back my embarrassment, refused to turn around, and mumbled, “Perfect.”
——–
I spent the morning before my flight hanging with Granny. It was a good day for her. She was able to piece together small sentences and hold a light conversation.
“Cardinal!” She excitedly pointed to from behind the bay window of her living room.
She loved birds, and cardinals were her favorite. She used to tell me how whenever she saw a cardinal, she took it as a sign that Grandpa was visiting.
“I bet it’s Grandad,” I said, gently stroking her hand.
“It is.” She beamed. Her face focused hard on the little bird, like she was deep in thought. Eventually, I heard her whisper, “I love you… Charlie.”
My hand tightened around hers. I relished her good days. They were becoming less and less, but I knew the old Granny was still in there. The Granny who would make me oatmeal cookies at midnight because I was hungry. The Granny who never missed a single volleyball match throughout high school. The Granny who taught me how to drive, and told me that speed limits were more like suggestions. She was still in there.
I leaned down, making sure I had her attention. “I’m going to be leaving today until tomorrow. Mom is on her way from the airport. Once she gets here, I have to catch my flight to Miami.”
Her expression didn’t change much. “Okay.”
I hoped she understood. But at least my mom would be there to care for her, another person she knew and loved.
A knock came from the door. When I opened it, Mom pulled me so tight into her chest I thought she cracked a rib. Her signature Chanel No. 5 scent hit me first, followed by the realization her long dark hair had been replaced with a short red bob. “Hi, Mom.” I pulled back, running a small section of her hair through my hands. “Love the new look.”
“I’ve missed you, honey. How’s Granny?” She asked, ignoring my compliment.
She was the type who used style as a way to cope with stress. A type of shopaholic. When she and my dad got divorced, it was a new watch and breast implants. Now, with Granny slowly fading, it was new hair. She never talked about it. It was her not-so-secret, secret.
I gave a reassuring smile. “Today’s been a really good day. She has been talking a bit more than usual. You came at a good time. I’m sure she’ll be so excited to see you.”
“I’m sorry I haven’t been able to make it down more. You know how it goes with work.”
That was only partly true. Mom did work as a schoolteacher but only came to visit for one-week last summer. She has a hard time dealing with crises and instead hides away. I used to be furious that she didn’t take the time for her own mother, but I’ve come around to realize the mental health issues she dealt with were a bigger burden than she let on.
Granny smiled and remembered Mom right away. Something I was nervous about. It really was a good day for her. A great day actually. And I had to leave. My chest ached to stay, but it was only one night, and she was doing well. I’d just miss out on some great conversations.
Grabbing my purple duffle back from the living room floor, I said my goodbyes.
“Bye, Granny. I love you,” I said, placing a kiss on top of her head.
“Love,” she said. Followed shortly by “You.”
My heart thumped loudly in my chest. She hadn’t said that to me in a few months. I felt my eyes burn with tears, but I pushed them back. Instead, focusing on the joy of her good day.
The drive to the airport was quick. I think I was going on autopilot while my mind flashed back to Granny and how hopeful I was that when I returned, she would still be in the same mindset.
When I entered the terminal, I saw River waiting at Starbucks. I will not let River ruin my great day, I repeated to myself over and over. I was too happy to let him affect me.
I sucked in a deep breath before making my way to the gate. I was pretty good at determining how early to get to the airport with the least amount of wait time. Boarding was just about to start. Perks of regional airports.
“Ready for the conference?”
I turn around and saw River, looking way more formal than I would be for this conference. A full suit, whereas I stuck with a company-branded polo and a black pencil skirt. We pretty much had to get off the flight and head right to the conference, so we had to go in our clothes for it. Besides the formality of his clothes, he sounded much quieter than in the office.
“Yeah. I think so.”
He nodded and took a seat next to me. No snark at all. Looking at him more, I notice major bags under his eyes and an overall look of exhaustion.
We didn’t speak while waiting, boarding, or during the flight. I felt concerned for him. Normally, he walked around the office like he owned the place. As we were loading into a taxi to head to the conference, I couldn’t stop myself from asking, “Are you okay, River? You seem…tired.”
He looked away, out the window before answering, “I’m fine.”
It wasn’t like we were close, so I left it at that, and we made our way to the conference. As soon as we got there, we both couldn’t stop our eyes from widening. It was held at a beautiful oceanfront resort. Although I had been living in South Carolina for the past year and a half, I hardly made it to the ocean. It seemed to be a similar wonder for River.
“This is a much-needed view,” he said as we walked into the resort.
I looked at his tired eyes, wondering if he was even up for the day of chatting with clients.
As we walked inside, we were greeted with welcome cocktails and handed our luggage to the concierge desk to hold until after the conference.
Inside the conference room were hundreds of booths set up and people were beginning to funnel in.
I grabbed a camera and took a quick picture of River behind the booth. “Smile!” I said, overenthusiastically. We needed photos for social media, and River was dressed to the nines.
It was a surprisingly decent photo.
“You going to be fine while I’m tied up in my speech?”
“Yep. I got this. Go enjoy.”
I left for the breakout room and shot my mom a text checking on Granny.
She’s great honey, we just had milkshakes with lunch and are watching TV now. Good luck on your speech!
I grabbed my notes and looked at the crowd of roughly fifty engineers and sales reps. My talking points were mostly educational and typically, the only ones who signed up were other companies trying to understand the competition better.
At the end of the talking points, I took a few questions but wanted to get back to the booth to help River. I wasn’t even sure why I wanted to help him.
When I got there, I noticed a line forming, and a frazzled-looking River was trying to keep up with the nonstop flow of people.
“Hey there, everyone,” I announced, stepping next to River. “If you have any technical questions or product-specific questions, you can step over to me, and I’d be more than happy to answer them.”
Over half the people moved closer to me, and I smiled widely at getting to “talk shop” with everyone. I was passionate about our products and didn’t mind working a busy booth.
We both kept at it until 5:00 when the conference ended. My voice was tired and my legs hurt, but I had fun. For a minute, I forgot I was a caretaker and I was allowed to just be Addie the engineer.
“Addie, you want to go grab a drink at the bar? I’m beat and could use a beer,” River asked as we packed up the remaining business cards.
I ran my fingers through my hair as I thought about spending one on one time with him, but he really looked like he needed a friend today, and I was in a generous mood—but he’d be buying the drinks. “Sure.”
We walked to the bar, which was stunning. Crystal chandeliers, not a TV playing NFL games in sight. “This place looks really nice. Way better than the sports bar on Market.”
“I’ve never been there.”
“Really?” I asked, taking a seat. “I’ve been to numerous happy hours there. I know you’ve been invited. Not a big socializer?”
“It’s not that,” he said, looking away. He’d done that twice now.
We ordered drinks, and I was quickly presented with the most mouth-watering margarita of my life.
“So,” I said, stirring my drink with a straw, “What’s going on? Like with you? This is the most we’ve spoken since I started working for the company aside from you giving me a write-up last week. Which, by the way, I had an actual excuse for, but you didn’t even let me explain.”
He stared down at his beer. “I’m sorry.”
My eyes widened as I was sure I misheard him. “You’re sorry?”
“I am. You caught me on a bad day. Believe it or not, I’m not always a hardass.”
I scrunched my face in jest. “I don’t see it. You are the tough HR guy who is always so stoic. Even when you know people like me complain about you.”
“He laughed into his pint. “That’s a new one. Stoic. Not sure I’ve ever been called that before.”
“Well, it’s true. Nothing seems to bother you. If anything, you fuel yourself off people’s disdain for you.”
His expression changed. He was more ridged. “I can promise you, that’s not true.”
“Prove it. Cause I don’t buy it.”
As if he wanted me to eat my words on the spot, he said, “Fine. The day I wrote you up was the day after I caught my wife cheating on me. I didn’t sleep for over 24 hours, and honestly, not sure why I’m telling you this. I cried all night. That doesn’t sound very stoic. Does it?”
My stomach sank to my feet. “I’m so sorry, River. I can’t imagine.”
“That’s why I volunteered to go on this trip. I figured one night away was something.”
There was a pause. He probably felt like he over shared, and I didn’t know how to react. Finally, I looked at him and blurted out, “If you ever need to vent about how your wife is a bitch, I’m here for you.”
We started laughing. This trip was an escape for us both.
River pointed his half-empty glass toward me. “So why were you late so much?”
I started picking at my nails. It just felt weird talking to him at such a personal level, but the margarita was kicking in, so I let it out. “I take care of my grandma. She has dementia. Sometimes her nurses are late, and I can’t leave her by herself. When that happens. I end up late too. I’m the only one at home, so I need to make sure she’s cared for.”
“That’s really noble of you.”
“Not really. She helped raise me. I’m only doing the same for her now.”
“Well, either way, she’s lucky to have someone care so much.”
Another margarita was placed in front of me, and I realized how good it felt to let some of my life secrets out. We talked about sports, our childhood, and how we ended up where we were. It was surprisingly nice.
My phone started ringing, and I pulled it out of my purse to see my mom’s name pop up. My heart raced. She wasn’t one to call.
“What’s wrong?” River asked, noting my change in posture.
I held up a finger to him and answered the phone. “Hello?”
“Honey,” My mom said through sobs.
My heart pounded in my chest. “Mom, what’s going on?”
“Granny… had a heart attack. Addie, I’m so sorry. She didn’t make it.”
Silence.
It was as if the entire world had stopped spinning. My stomach clenched as my vision darkened.
“I’ll be home as soon as I can.”
My voice cracked as I hung up.
River looked over at me and knew. “Addie. I’m so sorry. Let’s get you to the airport.”
I don’t remember much of the next series of events. At some point, River paid the bill, called a cab, and somehow got us on a flight home that night. I couldn’t even say thank you. My body shook, and I audibly cried from the call until the airport.
Memories of her played in my head. She was fine when I left. Did my mom cause it? Hotness grew in me; emptiness grew in me. I was alone. I looked down at my clenched fists, noticing the pain in my hands.
I had so many thoughts and yet, nothing made sense. She was the family matriarch. The person I could always count on. And she died without me there. Was she angry I left? I thought about her last moments and the fact I couldn’t provide her any comfort as she left this world.
Guilt began to coil its way around my body. This was unforgivable. I left her when she needed me most. I’m sorry, Granny. I’m sorry.
We sat in the airport waiting for our flight to board. My sobs had become more of a muffled sniffle at that point, but there was no hiding my bloodshot eyes. River came back holding two hot chocolates from Starbucks. I offered a small smile and took a sip. The warm liquid soothed my raw throat.
Another mass of tears spilled down my cheeks. River took the seat next to me and reached out his hand. As our fingers interlaced, we remained silent. We both needed connection, the warmth of another, and a way to break the devastating loneliness that crept through our souls.
I would never have thought out of the eight billion people on this planet, River would be the one to bring me comfort at my lowest. But sometimes, the universe puts two people together who need each other most. While I was sure by the next week, we’d go back to being indifferent or even annoyed by one another, in that moment, I was grateful.
I looked out the window, hoping to see the Boeing 737 take its place, but instead, I saw a small red bird take flight off the tunnel at our gate. My heart fluttered and I gasped.
“What?” River asked, looking concerned.
“Nothing.”
He went back to sipping his hot chocolate, still holding onto my hand.
I looked back out the window and the bird was gone, but I knew.
“I love you,” I whispered into the air. A smile took hold, and I knew she would always be with me.
The bird was gone as fast as it arrived, but I had a feeling I’d see it again. Next time I needed a reminder of my grandmother’s love, she’d be there.