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Intrusive Thoughts This Fall

By Padya Paramita
intrusive thoughs this fall

my student wears a beige Carhartt beanie that

for a very brief moment, I contemplate stealing.

intrusive thoughts these days apparently include gender envy

for confident gay 18-year-olds.

i woke up today to the slightest whiff off nutmeg and cinnamon,

apply pie leftover from Thanksgiving—

who was i to stop myself from taking out the tub of ice cream:

Tillamook Coffee Almond Crunch, otherwise known as

my lactose intolerant body will really suffer at work today.

“just let me know if you’re burned out and

we can watch a movie,” i tell a room full of 19 college freshmen

before I can stop myself. What I don’t tell them is

I did not want to get out of bed this morning. I’m still

trying to remember what happened when I drank two

sweet tea vodkas too many on Thursday night. I spilled my guts out

in the metaphorical way. When everyone expelling my physical guts, I was actually

Sobbing into the toilet seat. Letting my big mouth win, I got a broken heart in return.

My inbox lights up with an offer to teach “Diversity & Social Justice’ in the spring,

I wonder if the dean went down a list and said, “this one seems diverse.” And is that

all it takes? The brownness of my name? What about

an actual background check? I could be a horrible racist, homophobic, ableist person.

What does “Diversity & Social Justice” mean anyway—can you really

capture centuries of oppression in a seventeen-week semester?Oh the course where they teach you not to be racist? I took it last fall, says the one Black girl in my class.


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Posted On: March 1, 2023
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