Part 1: Belle-mere
“I love you.” she said.
The smell of day-old coffee was filling the air as it heated up in the microwave. The rotating plate was moving so slow it was as if it was rewinding time. The timer sounded, and I was relieved. Saved by the bell.
“Would you like me to leave the creamer out for you?” I said with a warm tone hoping to imply I love you too.
“No thank you.”
“Ok, I hope you have a great day today.” Again in a warm tone, this time with eye contact hoping to impart heavy implication without actually committing to saying it back.
“Thank you.” There was confidence in her movement, yet her voice felt unsatisfied.
I poured the hot coffee from the etched white ceramic mug into a portable tumbler and spilled a little on the granite counter. Swiftly wiping off the droplets with my sleeve, I grabbed my satchel and hurried out the door. I’d never been known for my time management, but on this particular day I had plenty of time to spare. It was all an act. My emotions were in a vortex of confusion not knowing where my allegiance fell, and I did what I do best. I ran.
Part 2: The Throne Room
The two story house was impressively large with never-ending ceilings, five bedrooms, four baths, and a floating corridor. The kitchen was wide open with a lovely granite island in the middle, perfect to lean on while having late night conversations. The kitchen emptied into a spacious living room adorned with beautiful one of a kind paintings and plush leather couches. A rather large yet tasteful roman numeral clock hung over the mantle as the room’s centerpiece. The dining room was anchored by a beautiful wooden table surrounded by high-backed chairs fit for royalty. It was immaculate. Adjacent to the dining room was my father’s office. It was unique to any other room in the house. Aesthetically, it nestled into the motif of the rest of home, but it was filled with a different aura. I’d imagined it to be similar to a throne room of a king in antiquity. I’d often stand at the entrance and wait to be addressed before entering. The kingdom was his, and he was the king. It was then that the seed of entitlement was planted in my heart. A line was drawn in the sand, but I was on the wrong side.
“Dad.”
“Yes?” he said without turning his head. His back was slightly leaning forward in his chair. His shoulders clinging for dear life to his brooding, muscular arms. His back was still to me as his focus never left his work.
“I liked it better before.”
The pen once fervently dragging across the bright yellow-lined paper in his leather notebook came to a sudden halt. He still did not turn around.
“I just don’t understand why it is your responsibility to—”
He spun around in his chair. My heart started to pound and my mouth was suddenly void of all moisture. He sighed deeply and folded his arms. His eyes fixated to the floor, jaw slightly clenched, silent in deep thought.
“She offers me a happiness that goes far beyond material things, money, or anything physically measurable.”
I wanted to be happy for him. I wanted to understand. I wanted to let go of the jealousy and resentment I was harbouring, but I couldn’t. My father is my hero, and I didn’t want to share his attention.
“She teaches me things. We share laughter, tears, and invigorating conversations for hours on end that satiate a part of my soul I didn’t even know existed. She makes me better.”
Better how? Better for who?
“Look, I’m really happy for you. I really am. I just don’t know where I fit in.”
The striations in his forearms became more prominent and his voice deepened. “Our family has grown, and we are all trying to adjust.” He gave a small nod to himself and looked down. “They need me.”
I need you.
PART 3: Je t’aime aussi
As we drove up to the home that once occupied an imperfect family of seven, I began to wonder what it would have been like had I seen everyone through the lens I have now. Regret flooded my heart and I began to fight the urge to cry. Before any tears could fall I hit the brakes and the piercing sound of grinding metal diverted my attention.
“I really need to replace these brake pads.”
“You’ve been saying that for months,” she said.
“It hasn’t been that long, Shantell.”
“Yes it has because we started hearing the squeaking on the way to Santa Cruz, and that was three months ago.”
She was right.
“Anyway, I was a little shit when I lived here.”
“Don’t say that.”
It was true.
“I can’t believe it’s been fifteen years since I’ve lived in that house. Did you know that at one point there were seven of us in there?”
“Seven?”
“Yeah. My dad, Charlotte, my sister, two step-brothers, and step-sister. Oh, and me, of course.” I continued to stare at the entryway, eyes welling up. “I wish I knew then what I know now.” She reached out and placed her hand on mine.
“You only know what you know now because you didn’t know back then.”
“I would have done things differently.”
“How?”
“I would have loved them the way an older brother should have loved them. I would have told Charlotte I loved her, because I did. I do. I would have created more memories together, with all of us. I would have realized that my father’s love knows no bounds and that it is selfish to try and contain it. The entire time I was trying to preserve a single rose for myself when we could have had an entire garden together. I would forgive them and forgive myself, and hope that they’d forgive me.”
A moment of silence had passed except for the sound of an electric drill echoing from an open garage a few houses down. Shantell broke the silence by swirling the ice in her tea.
“If you knew then what you know now, you would have put an expectation on everyone to get along. The outcome would have been the same because they were not ready. They were not ready, you were not ready, and that is ok. That doesn’t mean you didn’t love each other.”
“I just feel like I wasted so much time.”
“You can only waste time if you do not learn and grow from these things and apply your knowledge to the here and now. But you? You have learned. You did not waste any time, you’ve made excellent use of it. All of you are forever woven into each other’s lives, and that is beautiful.” Her soothing words wrapped around me like a warm blanket.
“You are such an amazing woman, Shantell. You teach me things and I can talk to you for hours. You make me better.”
“I’ve heard this before…”
At that moment my phone violently shook the dash of the car. “I don’t know why I keep this on vibrate, it startles me every time.”
She rolled her eyes and shook her head as if to say I told you to turn it off a thousand times.
I answered the phone, “Hello?”
“Hi son.”
“Hi Charlotte.”
“Your dad and I just arrived at the restaurant. Are you far out?”
“We are heading there now. We stopped by the old house. Should be there in ten minutes.”
“Your dad says with traffic lights and parking it’ll be closer to fourteen minutes.”
I shook my head and laughed. Some things never change.
“Anyway, we’ll see you when you get here. Love you, son.”
“I love you too, maman.”