Theodore monitored the installation of the new hedges abutting his wooden fence. He reclined in the plastic lounge chair, as the two workers mulched and planted in a steady fashion he appreciated. Though he expected the work could be done without his guidance, Theodore found it easier to monitor than require the company to send someone to fix an obvious problem due to his absence. This may have been a legit reason, if the underlying purpose had not been to escape from his wife, Aisling, and two young children, who could be heard through the sliding glass door into the backyard, fighting over what is not fair in life – a standard that rose simply to what one child possessed over the other. Claiming to be keeping a watchful eye over the early spring task allowed him reprieve, since his wife accepted his rational, despite the two beers he brought with him for company.
Even with the noise of the workers, along with other neighborly endeavors such as passing cars and mowers, he began to drift asleep under the beaming sun. He did not notice Constance’s entrance into his backyard, set with a pace of annoyance that Theodore may have recognized and beaten with a more friendly offer of a beverage and invitation to relax in his home. She stood over the balding, burning, aging skin of Theodore Ballard without the courtesy of a cough or loud shuffle to announce her presence. If Theodore had not opened his eye a tinge at the reduced noises from the hedge installation, he thought she may have stared down at him for hours in a growing condescension of annoyance.
“What do you think you are doing, Theodore? Didn’t you think it proper to tell your neighbors you planned on putting up large hedges around the border of your house?”
“What?” he said, blinking to the tall, brunette with auburn eyes to match, though the crisscross of red lines of fury disavowed an invitation for compliment. “What do you want, Constance?”
“You are planting those hideous, large plants at the border of our yard. Didn’t you think you should tell us first?”
“I left you a note a few days ago about a project,” he grumbled. “I spoke with Miriam and Nelson, and they thought it would be a nice addition to the wooden fence.”
“I don’t,” she said, making a face of disgust towards his hand reaching for a beer.
“Well, I only told you as a courtesy,” he said with growing agitation, as his sleepy demeanor whiffed away at her disrespect.
“Is everything alright?” Aisling said from the cracked door; her sing-song voice matching her kindly layers, a caricature that Theodore still adored. When neither responded, she stepped out, keeping the door open for any loud screams from her angels. “What’s wrong?”
“Your husband decided to build hedges at our property line without telling us. I expect to have a discussion when you force objects into our property.”
“Theodore tried to contact you. I’m almost certain,” Aisling said with a concerned smile; eyes darting to the last of the hedge installation. “I don’t think there will be any interference. The hedges are installed in our yard anyways. It was for the kids, Constance. We worried they would try to squeeze through the slacks, and instead of installing a new, unsightly fence, we thought placing greenery would be more pleasant. We didn’t mean any offense. I promise.”
“I know you are trying to be amenable, Aisling, but where do you expect the hedge to grow. I don’t mean to belittle your intelligence,” Constance said with a rye, exaggerated expression, looking upon Theodore intently, “but the hedge will continue to expand if you care for it properly. Expecting that you will not permit rotting bushes around your yard, then the hedge will not only grow vertically, but, and do interrupt if I am incorrect, but horizontally, thereby invading the space of my fence and yard.”
Aisling did not recognize the queasiness of her stomach until she realized her hands were braced around her stomach. She saw Theodore’s face go through a series of emotions, as the red of his face darkened. Before Theodore could say something of offense, only escalating a situation in his way, she burst out, “We will obviously keep the bushes trimmed and ensure they keep from your side of the fence.”
“And what if they grow, push, and cause damage to the fence.”
“Enough,” Theodore growled. “We will care for our property and any damage it may cause to yours, as we have always done, Constance. Our planting of hedges along the border of our property has absolutely nothing to do with you. Now leave.” He pointed his finger in the direction of the fence; eyes unwavering from Constance, who went through the same myriad of emotions that Aisling had witnessed on Theodore.
Aisling considered playing mediator, but after Constance’s belittlement of her intelligence, she could not suffer the words to take Constance’s side, preferring Constance leave in the path pointed out to her. Thankfully, Aisling’s five-year old appeared, giving Constance a hug that shocked them all from their stances. Without further discussion, Constance marched to her house without a glance back, allowing Aisling another appreciation for her darling children.
As flora commits to its daily tasks when well taken care of, the hedges grew with delight but only so far as Theodore would allow, committing to his word of ongoing trimming. Constance never outright apologized for her behavior, but then again, she did not make any derogatory comments regarding the hedges the following months, even keeping shut when her wife, Vikki, admired the beauty of the full brush at a small barbecue that following fall, mulling over planting a mirror image. Constance gently swayed her wife from the idea, reminding Vikki how much she admired the cherry wood stain of the fence. In acquiescence, Vikki admitted that she enjoyed the coloring of the fence with the overhead greenery, appreciating the beautification efforts of the neighbors. Constance wandered away after this comment with the excuse of needing another drink. Aisling suspected Constance never divulged the argument with Theodore to Vikki.
Later that night, after tucking in the children, Aisling mentioned the comments by Vikki to Theodore. “I appreciate how thorough you’ve been in the upkeep of the hedges. I believe Constance really expected you to let it grow out and become a problem, but I knew better. All the other neighbors admired the new Weeping Willow tree you planted in our front yard, though Monty Holland made a good point about the upkeep. It’ll be worth the beauty of the dangling leaves for shade, though. I think the neighbors are all concerned that they should do more sprucing. As long as we have more greenery in the world, I’m happy.”
When Theodore did not respond, sliding his finger over the screen of his phone, pretending he was reading through emails when Aisling knew he spied through his social media addiction, she returned to her book, expecting the passing comment warranted no response. That was until she heard, “So, Constance thought I would be so lazy as to allow my yard to penetrate what is otherwise our fence. Ever since she made her ridiculous complaints in March, I wonder why we keep that fence up, if we can barely view it ourselves.”
“For the children,” Aisling reminded.
“You and I are very watchful of the children. If the fence matters so much, we would have one in the front yard, as well. No, we placed it there as a courtesy and agreement amongst the neighbors and expected the hedges would not raise any problems either. Miriam and Nelson have only praised the improved view from their back deck, though I am beginning to find some offense in that remark, as well. Our backyard was certainly not unsightly before the hedges, but I expect they are just being kind. But that Constance is just biding her time to complain, I bet.”
“Honestly, Theodore. I don’t know why you are bringing this up again. Vicki admired your handiwork with the yard. Please let it be. I meant to make you feel better, not stir up old arguments.”
“I know,” he said with a kiss on the cheek, yet Aisling observed the look of frustration, maybe even a flash of looming vindication come over her husband.
Aisling forgot about the conversation, soon having Constance and Vicki over for a neighborhood holiday party with surface pleasantries. Theodore and Constance gave cordial courtesies near the punch bowl before walking separate directions in the house. Aisling considered speaking to Vicki regarding the simmering animosity after her third cup of spiced punch, but given the lack of direct confrontation, she did not want to escalate a nonissue.
That following March, Theodore hatched his simple plan by pruning the hedges only on the side of Miriam and Nelson’s yard, letting the slow growth of the hedge peek through until Vicki showed up at the Ballards’ door with a plateful of cookies. Aisling welcomed Vicki into her house, pleased by the kind offering, nibbling on one of the oatmeal delights before she set the plate on the counter.
“The kids are taking a nap, or I would invite them to try your delicious cookies. I feel like I haven’t seen you since the Christmas party,” Aisling said, smiling and motioning Vicki to the couch. She hurried to the kitchen to grab a half-filled bottle of white wine from the fridge, setting two glasses before Vicki, and pouring without shame.
As Aisling barely finished her first sip, Vicki said, “I must be the first to apologize. Constance and I have been so busy. I can’t remember if I told you beforehand, but we did quite a bit of traveling to get away from the cold weather last month. We went to Hawaii, then New Zealand and Australia. It was terribly exhausting in the end, but the sights and food – oh, Aisling, I can’t express how much fun it was to be out and about for three weeks. Constance never takes vacations and gets frustrated when I complain about our mundane lives. I missed the young wanderer in me.”
“Sounds lovely, Vicki. I wish I had a wonderful story to match, but the best I can do is brag that our youngest is potty trained now.”
“Well, I believe that’s much harder and more worthy of praise than my trip,” Vicki said, “though I hope you’ll indulge some of our photos from the trip one night. I know seeing other people’s trips can be terribly boring, but I promise to limit to the highlights.”
“As long as there will be wine,” giggled Aisling, in better spirits for the company. “But truthfully, I don’t mind you talking about your trip. Allows me to live vicariously through you.”
“Oh Aisling, please. You have two darling children.” A small lull and two sips of wine gave Vicki the momentum to finally speak her purpose. “First, I want to say that I admire the work Theodore has put into the yard, especially the hedges, and as you know, I have spoken very highly of his pruning. However, I must admit that I had an ulterior motive to coming today. Constance has been upset this the past week, wanting to discuss these hedges with you and Theodore. I have begged her to leave the matter alone, but she insists, so I demanded that I speak with you first.”
Aisling kept the sheer glass to her face, unwitting to its empty exaggerations that she now donned. Realizing that more complaints were coming forth regarding the damnable hedges, she set the glass down, pouring more for herself. Vicki paused through this small interruption, as if expecting Aisling to finish Vicki’s thoughts without the uncomfortable necessity of voicing the animosity of her wife. Though generally agreeable, Aisling found she did not feel up to providing this satisfaction.
“Well, I suppose I should just say then, that Constance has noticed parts of the hedges are beginning to protrude through our fence. I understand that spring has barely begun, so Theodore may be a tad behind in his sprucing, but Constance believes that Theodore has been pruning, just not on our side of the fence. I told her that I had not seen either of you out, so that couldn’t be the case. However, when we went to look over at Miriam and Nelson’s yard, there did not appear to be any issue with their side of the hedges and fence. Before I would allow Constance to stomp over here – she never understands a gentle approach to conflict – I wanted to stop by and clarify what may have happened.”
“Whose fence is bordering our lawns, Vicki?”
“Well, I suppose you installed the fence.”
“And you recall that we discussed the finish with all of our neighbors before placing it in, and you have admitted yourself that you admire the woodwork that we paid for?”
“Well, I guess I would have to admit that, though I don’t see your point.”
“Vicki, I advised you of the hedges, just like Theodore did with Miriam and Nelson, and you said that sounded lovely. Now, Theodore has never expected that you would trim the hedges, but I do not find it necessary that he go out there every week to make sure that your side of the fence is pristine. The hedge protrudes through our fence, Vicki; a hedge that you did not voice a problem with until Constance changed her mind.” Aisling stood up, taking Vicki’s half-filled glass of wine to the kitchen. “I would expect that if you or your wife have an expectation of how the border of our yards should look, then you can hire your own professional or conduct the pruning yourself. Otherwise, please refrain from revisiting this ridiculous issue. I really don’t like to speak this way to neighbors that I otherwise enjoy hosting. However, the hedges will remain, and I don’t understand the purpose of this bubbling animosity. Also, and maybe I should have started out with this point, but Theodore has not been out to prune for anyone, so I expect Miriam and Nelson have been conducting their own maintenance. You could have asked them before confronting me in this manner.”
Vicki left with a cold smile, never addressing any of Aisling’s points. Aisling felt ill at the sharp diatribe, never intending to make Vicki feel unwelcome, but tired of the circular tirade regarding the hedges. Aisling refrained from informing Theodore of the discord, hinting as to the upkeep of the yard.
Aisling expected the matter subsided until Theodore stomped into the kitchen from the backyard, sputtering about a mangling that was unclear to Aisling. She eased him to a chair, bringing water to force him to take a moment to collect himself. Once resting, though still animated, he advised Aisling that the back half of the hedges had been gnashed and torn, the broken pieces left on the ground. “I first thought some tree had blown limbs from elsewhere, until I looked from the far side to see that almost a foot had been cut through our hedges, bordering Constance and Vicki’s property. They did it. I know they did!”
“Now, Theodore. Please calm down and listen. Don’t be mad, but Vicki came over saying that it appeared you were pruning Miriam and Nelson’s side of the fence and not theirs.”
“Ridiculous. I’m going over there and demand they take responsibility.”
“No,” Aisling urged, pushing him harder than intended into the chair. “This whole business is ridiculous. I’ve changed my mind. Get rid of the hedges. I don’t want them anymore. You complain about the upkeep anyways. I don’t want this to go on any further. If you go over there, I’m staying with my mother.”
Aisling sat on his lap, giving him a few kisses on the cheek. She was angry by Constance and Vicki’s vindictiveness, but she could only control one party in this dispute, so she did her best. Eventually he relinquished with multiple deep breaths. “Fine. I won’t go over there but don’t think I’ve given up on those plants.”
Aisling prayed for this to be the end, but then a barrage of thumps on her door the following evening, as Theodore smiled, caused her stomach to churn. He claimed to be working on a project all day while she ran errands, and she did not suspect him to be so childish, at least so soon. She opened the door to Constance’s eyes bulging, holding up a large letter ‘B’ on a board that must have been four feet tall.
“What is this?” Aisling said, but Constance swayed past her, shoving the board in Theodore’s face.
“Where do you get off placing that deplorable five-letter word between the spaces of the fence?”
“Seems you’ve done more damage to my property,” Theodore said; nose curled. “Now, please exit my house. You are scaring my family.”
“Take them down tonight, or I’ll call the cops for harassment,” Constance said, throwing the sign to the floor, then slamming the front door behind her.
“Theodore Ballard. You promised,” Aisling said, fighting off crying in front of the children, who stood in the hallway, slack jawed. “I’m putting the kids back to bed. Get rid of those signs, tonight. Get rid of the fence and hedges, tomorrow. I don’t want any of it.”
“Now, come on, Aisling. You must admit . . .”
“I admit nothing! Now get rid of it all. I can’t be a part of these spats anymore.” She stomped three times to emphasize her points, then guided the children back to bed, taking more than an hour to calm them to sleep. She then picked up her son, played with the children, greeted Theodore with dinner and three beers containing a few crushed pills, knowing that nothing serious would occur but a deep, restful sleep.
Aisling checked for the signs the following afternoon after dropping her son off at school, then visiting her mother with her daughter that morning, discussing none of the present plight. To her chagrin, Theodore had stapled and nailed the signs into the fence, destroying its glamour, likely in retaliation to the same word seen through the other spaces in return. She quickly closed her daughter’s eyes, worried she could make out the word despite her tender age. Aisling did not rise to confront Vicki and Constance, nor did she call the police given her husband’s part in this debacle. Instead, she rested in the house, only taking the time to inventory the garage. She then picked up her son, played with the children, greeted Theodore with dinner and three beers containing a few crushed, knowing that nothing serious would occur but a deep, restful sleep.
Past midnight, jumbling the bed to test Theodore’s slumber to no alarm, she rose, rifled through the garage, planted coal in the four corners of the fence that bordered both neighbors, then sprinkled lighter fluid atop them. She scurried to each corner, lighting it – briefly annoyed by the cloud blocking the moonlight from guiding her. Not to be swayed, she lit the final beacons from memory. Unable to stand watch without suspicion, she washed her hands, threw her clothes into the washer, placed on a new nightgown, and nuzzled into bed.
When the fire trucks sounded nearby, she furiously shook Theodore awake, feigning concern for the children and proximity of the fire. He rose in a zombie state, shambling outside to Vicki and Constance on the sidewalk in front of their house, looking at the fires burning along the Ballard fence. He rushed out to them with Aisling behind, despite the children in the house.
“What happened?” he said, before Aisling demanded he bring out the children to keep him from making accusations. Without pause, he ambled into the house to rescue the kids.
“Are you okay?” Aisling said.
“Oh, Aisling. Your poor fence,” Vicki said, patting her shoulder. “I know we had our arguments, but we would never do this. Why would someone set fire to your whole fence? It’s shameless. Kids these days have no respect.”
“I don’t know why someone would do this,” Aisling said, shaking her head with apparent dismay.