What I would do to wake up new

I have felt pinned down for so long
That I can no longer tell 
if it is from the force of my own hands,  
the hands of someone else, 
or some sick combination of both.
Imagine walking around 
covered by an oil film you’ve been trying to scrub off for years.
Scared that the moment you leave the room
Everyone realizes you were the one making the mess 
And the world becomes bright and clean again.
Too scared to always be alone, 
You risk rubbing off on the ones you love
And pray that all the scrubbing you’ve been doing
keeps the people around you clean.
I wish I could be swallowed whole already
And spit out as some new form, bright and shiny and glowing
I wonder what the world would be like
if my own hands were made to hold me up
If only I believed my own hands were made to hold me up