“Why does everyone assume hell must be hot?” Ralph thought numbly sitting in his 1989 Camry with a busted heater at 5:43 AM in 17-degree weather. Luckily it was Tuesday, and already one day down for the week. It was these small wins Ralph took when he could get them. Over the last 30 years (the time he worked for THE Company), even those small wins were few and far between.
THE Company has been good to him, he must admit to himself. They’ve never missed a salary payment (1st and 15th like clockwork), let him have personal decor in his 4×4 cubicle (pending management approval of course), and gave him many responsibilities which he cherished as he’s great at what he does (so much so they’ve increased his salary .05% every year for the last 10 years while increasing his workload and responsibilities by 30% but he actually ends up poorer each year as inflation outpaces his salary bumps).
“Just another day blending into the next…” Ralph thinks to himself, again. Working at THE Company after 30 years has that effect on some people, but for Ralph, the feeling went from unbearable to apathetic numbness sometime years ago in a seamless transition of blur. All his dreams and goals for what he wanted from his life were flushed into a void along the way with no sound of it spiraling away. “But what are dreams compared to a steady paycheck and great (ok) benefits?” he tells himself. Plus, today is the day he gets into room 08051212.
Sitting in the parking lot of THE Company, Ralph can’t help but think of where the years have gone. He once was a gifted violinist, earning 1st chair in the city orchestra at 17. Pursuing that for the rest of his life was at one point all he wanted and could think about. However, his parents, friends and random people who really didn’t care about Ralph’s future did him the favor of setting him straight and advising him to work for THE Company like everyone else. They also let him know that he was rather insulting to them for thinking he was somehow better or special than they were for not wanting to work for THE Company. Ralph never intended nor wanted to insult anyone, and besides, they were right. Playing the violin for a living was unrealistic and would be a difficult if not an impossible life.
His first day at THE Company 30 years ago, he was introduced to everyone and shown his desk under the warmest fluorescent bulbs one could hope for. He fired up his company issued desktop and proceeded to do what THE Company does best; Company Tasks. This includes entering and deleting the same data over and over (because THE Company KNEW that busy does in fact equal productivity), rewriting the same report over and over as it’s never quite right to at least one of your 3 managers, and moving your mouse on the screen to ensure that you never take your eyes off it as you might miss something in your work.
On his first day, he was told of a “stationary closet” that he and other employees were forbidden to enter under any circumstances. The door looked like any other door in the office (only with 08051212 on the door plate), but this one was singled out specifically. However, after 30 years of service to THE Company, an employee would have access to the room on their last day. Ralph, while curious as to why, decided to go along to get along and confirmed with one of his 3 managers that he understood it was off limits.
Years went by, the door remained unopened (by anyone). Some thought it’s where sensitive Company files were kept. Others believed it was a monitoring center for the office to spy on employees. No one knew, but no one cared. They were told not to go through the door, and so that’s what they did. Besides, why would they forbid access if there wasn’t a legitimate reason? Checks were direct deposited, and that’s all that mattered to anyone.
The Managers would routinely observe occasional attempts to enter room 08051212, and employees who entered the room were never seen again. The managers used these insubordination attempts as a “Company Learning Opportunity” to remind current employees that actions have consequences. For some, the curiosity was just too much. For Ralph, it wasn’t even a blip on his radar.
As years went on, Ralph’s value of himself, as a human being and as an employee was delegated to THE Company and was validated from subjective performance reports informing that yes, while he did turn in his work on time and with accuracy, he still wasn’t showing enough of what THE Company called “Career Action and Resolve Efficiency” (C.A.R.E).
This exquisitely clever acronym (that THE Company paid 6.5 million dollars for an HR consultant to create but still hadn’t fixed the k-cup machine), THE Company felt, was the only true way to ensure each employee truly cared about their future at THE Company based on subjective measures.
THE Company prided itself on its fairness, and knew subjectivity in rating performance was the only effective method (as any rational human being would agree).
Ralph, never wanting to disappoint THE Company which had paid him consistently, knew he had to show more “CARE.” He excelled at the violin because he cared (was passionate) about being great, and being great at THE Company would require caring as well. Thus, Ralph continued to work at THE Company, never missing a day, coming in even when sick, never taking a vacation, missing his children’s games/recitals/etc. all to ensure he demonstrated just how much he cared about THE Company and how his work was perceived.
Because of his continued dedication to his work (sacrificing a social life and at times his health and mental wellbeing), THE Company’s pay gave him the privilege of buying a big screen TV he gets to use only briefly throughout the week and a mortgage for a place he’s only in waking hours 2-3 hours a day at most. His place even has a nice desk so when THE Company calls after hours, he can jump at the opportunity to show his CARE by using the desk to continue to work from home after already going to work that entire day.
THE Company was temporarily content with Ralph’s improvement in CARE but knew and stressed that he still wasn’t showing enough CARE, and his CARE performance score still was not at acceptable levels. Thus, THE Company assigned Ralph more work with no pay increase so he could clarify that he indeed did care about his CARE performance score.
He was grateful for the chance to redeem himself.
Promotions were a big event at THE Company, and it took them very seriously. Employees deemed by all “objective” measures to be blatantly incompetent who failed to do their work accurately and on time (if at all) were the first to be promoted because THE Company believed that all these folks really needed was a bigger title with more power and authority to truly come out of their shell of massive insecurities and passive aggressiveness that stem from deep rooted realizations of their own inadequacies.
Besides, THE Company believed that it was better to keep the competent hard working employees out of promoted positions as they would just make others realize their own incompetency and it was better to just give them more work with less encouragement because they would always get the work done (and well) and the pressures on the egos of the higher ups would always be kept at bay, thus ensuring a pseudo sense of entitlement and feeling of merit in the position they hold.
As far as THE Company was concerned, this was the most ethical and logical structure for promotions.
Ralph, in his efforts to prove to THE Company just how much CARE he had for THE Company, worked more hours and even more weekends. He stopped playing the violin, even casually during his free time whenever he was home, as he wanted to make sure he left all his CARE on the field of THE Company. He also didn’t have the energy when he got home, but that was ok, as that just meant he gave THE Company 1000% that day.
Employees came and went, as employees from all companies do, but when it came to an employee passing away, THE Company honored that employee by hiring someone within a week of the passing to pay homage to the many years of hard work the deceased employee gave to THE Company.
Besides, any employee who excelled in CARE would have wanted it that way.
One day, Ralph glanced over to room 08051212 and thought for the first time of what was behind it. He knew that this glance and subsequent thought was time when he wasn’t demonstrating CARE, but the curiosity had broken through. He decided to try and find out…
He started by simply walking past the door casually while actively listening for anything (server room cooling fans, keyboard clicks, etc.). After several passes, he thought he heard the faintest hint of elevator music. However, stopping at the door and pressing his ear to it would raise alarms with management. They already logged all computer activity to ensure that no second was wasted, and that CARE was shown at all times even when totally unnecessary, so it was safe to assume they would be meticulous with monitoring the CCTV footage to ensure that no unnecessary stops were taken from the bathroom or still broken k-cup machine to his desk.
Besides, he was already dinged harshly on his last C.A.R.E performance evaluation because he sneezed during a report write up, and added with the time to get a tissue, wasted 7-8 seconds, and tied his shoe (5-6 seconds) on the way back from his 3rd conference room meeting that could have been an email before noon and was politely but sternly warned that should have been properly tied BEFORE he started his work day (if he truly cared).
The shame and disgrace Ralph felt, he knew, was deserved, as he knew better. He started slightly panicking wondering if he had committed time-card fraud or if this on some level constitutes some form of embezzlement.
“The elevators are on the other side of the office, so it couldn’t have been elevator music…” Ralph had deduced. “Maybe it’s a ‘Manager’s Only’ break room,” he pondered. Although Ralph, being bright enough to understand and use deductive logic, reasoned that no one listens to elevator music for fun, especially on their break. At that moment, he received an email from his 3rd manager Natas Vedils (‘Nat Dog’ to his fellow managers, but Ralph would never dare presume it to be that informal, only being CARE-2.3 on the pay scale and Natas being CARE-5.0. The email went as follows:
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Ralph,
First, congratulations on reaching CARE-2.3! Just remember to keep up the CARE, we don’t want to see you slide back again with another sneezing or shoelace incident…
But I digress to a more serious matter. It has come to my (and others’) attention that you have shown passive interest in Room 08051212. Despite your best efforts, our real-time AI employee behavioral model system v.1.4 has detected you’re showing an interest in Room 08051212 (don’t ask how it does it, for even that’s above my CARE pay grade, and I obviously care a lot being CARE-5.0, which is at least top 1% of carers so I’m really proud of that). I/we/they just know it works…
With that said, it happens to employees with even perfect CARE performance scores (while I have a perfect CARE performance score record, it never happens to me, I just care too much. You don’t get to CARE-5.0 without TOTAL dedication, so I’m really proud of that).
Curiosity is natural, and we allow a first time pass, as we know your focus and dedication (which we pay you well for.) will continue to be on Company Tasks.
Don’t forget we have our 4th conference room meeting of the day at 12:15 where we will be figuring out the best times the rest of this week for the 4th meeting of each day. The grind never stops, especially when you really CARE Ralph 😉
Natas Vedils III, CARE-5.0 (top 1% of carers so I’m really proud of that)
THE Company
Vice Regional Manager of 3rd Division Operations and Resources Management Optimization Systems Sub-Operations Utilizations for Greater North America and Guam.
“The only nightmare is not to CARE”-
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Ralph, while stunned, was not surprised. THE Company cared about who really CARED, and Ralph was grateful for their understanding in his natural curiosity. He decided he would only ponder Room 08051212 in his own free time outside of work, which for the rest of this week left 9 minutes.
9 years later…
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Ralph,
First, congratulations on reaching CARE-2.8! Just remember to keep up the CARE, we don’t want to see you slide back again with another casual conversation about the weather back from the to-be-fixed soon k-cup machine…
But I digress to a more serious matter. It has come to my (and others’…) attention that you have shown passive interest, again, in Room 08051212. Despite your best efforts, our real-time AI employee behavioral model system v.5.8 has detected you’re showing an interest, again 9 years later, in Room 08051212 (don’t ask how it does it, for even that’s above my CARE pay grade, and I obviously care a lot being CARE-9.2, which is at least top .001% of carers so I’m really proud of that). I/we/they just know it works…
With that said, it rarely happens a second time to employees with even perfect CARE performance scores (while I still have a perfect CARE performance score record, it never happened to me, I just still care too much. You don’t get to CARE-9.2 without TOTAL dedication, so I’m really proud of that).
Curiosity is natural, but fool me once, shame on you, fool me/us/they again, and we have to seriously question your care. Your $42,000,000 in earnings for THE Company last year with your Company Tasks, while notable, alone will only demonstrate so much in the arena of CARE. The CEO had to get a 911 Turbo Ralph, not a Turbo-S. Do you know how embarrassing and degrading it is cruising out to your third home in the Hamptons with just a vanilla Turbo Ralph? What does that say about us, Ralph? It says we (well you…) just don’t care enough Ralph. It says to the world “HEY WORLD, WE’RE MEDIOCRE AND ARE JUST MEH WITH LITTLE TO NO CARE IN SIGHT!” We all can’t be great (IE: CARE-9.2), but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t still give it your all. Thought you were a team player bud…
Needless to say, he (as I certainly do) questions your CARE, and has serious doubts you have CARE-3.0 within, and your apathy isn’t going unnoticed. Do better, be better, care betterer Ralph….
Don’t forget we have our 6th conference room meeting of the day at 1:45 where we will be figuring out the best times the rest of this week for the 6th meeting of each day and to each sign a get well soon card to the CEO for having to settle with just a Turbo and not a Turbo-S…
The grind never stops, especially when you really CARE Ralph (which has yet to be determined) 😉
Natas Vedils III, CARE-9.2 (top .001% of carers so I’m really proud of that)
THE Company
The Regional Manager of 3rd Division Operations and Resources Management Optimization Systems Sub-Operations Utilizations for Global Operations Division of Operations Resources for Greater North America and Guam.
“The only nightmare is not to CARE (and to have to settle with a Turbo and not a Turbo-S)”-
“Do better, be better, care betterer”- Natas Vedils III, CARE-9.2 (top .001% of carers so he’s really proud of that)
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Ralph was too numb after all these years to even be stunned or surprised. The small talk about the weather enroute to his desk slowed him down for sure, but Ralph knew better than to be human. “I’ve already thrown it all away, I might as well find out for sure what’s behind Room 08051212 as I won’t make it 30 years here.” But Ralph, as before, did nothing to find out. He fell back into his routine of Company Tasks until his retirement day after a 30 year career…
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Back in the now (in the freezing parking lot sitting in his 1989 Camry with a busted heater at 5:47 AM in 17 degree weather), Ralph knows he has no regrets of his time here at THE Company. He always got his paychecks (once even got a bonus of 10 CARE tokens to use at THE Company gift shop), was on his third mortgage, got divorced and lost custody of his kids, health in shambles, and barely had enough to retire. But hey, he reached CARE-5.0 (and that’s only top 1% of carers, so he’s really proud of that) and today he finally sees inside room 08051212.
Walking to the entrance to the building he called home for 30 years, he is greeted by the CEO (whose CARE rating is infinity). “Ralph! 30 years of service to THE Company, you should feel very proud. Sorry to make you come in early, but we can’t have anyone peeking in when we open room 08051212. Are you ready?” Ralph, thinking of the sacrifices and the long days/nights over the last 30 years, is looking forward to a well-earned retirement. “Always ready Sir.”
Walking up to the door for room 08051212, it looks just the same as it did 30 years ago. Office furniture has changed, generic motivational posters expressing the value of teamwork via adorable kittens were swapped for ones with dogs, but this door has never changed (and neither has the broken k-cup machine).
“Here we are Ralph, our gratitude for your 30 years of service is beyond this door, and you’ve certainly earned it.” The CEO said. Suddenly, the door opens to a faint haunting sound that Ralph feels throughout his body but can’t express in words.
He walks through into the pitch-black room, letting the CEO close the door behind him. “Today is the first day of the rest of your life Ralph, see you soon…”
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Ralph hears something he’s always known, and as the veil of pitch black is lifted to a grey haze of blur on to total clarity of sight, he finds himself at the back of Carnegie Hall. On stage, a solo violinist is playing arguably the hardest piece to play on the violin. Ralph could almost play it in his prime, but starting work at THE Company halted any progress (and ultimately erased it). Moving through the aisle towards the stage, he sees himself on stage, and the music stops.
The Ralph on stage looks at Ralph, and says, “You wouldn’t believe the things I had to sacrifice and do to play that piece that well. I was broke for years, ridiculed and shamed by friends and family, went bankrupt after I maxed out 3 credit cards and took out a mortgage to pay for this violin, worked long days/nights practicing, took hits to my physical and mental health, and never even had the means/time to start/raise a family.
But I kept at it, and one day got a break to play in an internationally well known orchestra, and I started earning a living (albeit small) doing what I love. Now I sell out every show I play here throughout the year(s) and have 3 albums and a Grammy on my shelf.
I do well enough to have all I need and enough to allow me to do this every day for the rest of my life. You see Ralph, chasing your dreams is painful, and not chasing your dreams is painful.
At least this route, the one you declined, had at least some hope for something at the end that fulfilled you. The worst part is Ralph, when you leave this room and start your retirement, you’ll have to know something worse than regret for the rest of your days. Not the ‘what if’ regret, and not the regret of knowing you ‘should’ have at least tried it. It’s the regret of knowing you could have done it successfully, if only you took that first step into the unknown 30 years ago.
‘Why does everyone assume hell must be hot,’ Ralph? Hell is not defined in degrees or temperatures. It’s defined by the day you meet the person you could have been…”