I’m taking off like a kite in my big wide suit. My creases are so sharp they could slice fruit. What I’m trying to say is, I’ll be one of your five-a-day. I’m used to working long hours for low pay. I’m the part in church that goes, ‘get on your knees, let’s pray.’ I’ve been cruising through job sites like a missile. I have style. I want you to know that you won’t find me turning out my pockets in the reduced aisle. Look at my LinkedIn profile, I took the photo in front of a red yacht. What else can I say but I’m hot. I’m on fire. I’m sweating like a zoo. I’ve got a fever and there’s nothing doctors can do.
I’ve got spicy aftershave lathered on like petrol on a BBQ. I’ve been psyching myself up for this interview. I’ve been up all night. I’ve bleached my teeth to a savage white. On the first day the Lord said let there be light. And there I am, fighting the good fight. I want to be your saviour tonight. I’ll be your sunshine. I’ll be your rain. I’ll be the vampire you invite inside again. Wow, even the slightest breath of wind brings me pain. I’m sensitive. I better have another sedative.
Hey, you, stop walking around so fuzzy. Straighten yourself!
I’m so straight that rulers call me square. I’ve got flair. I’ve lasted years on thin air. I’ve got genes so good they should be canned and sold. I’m Peter Pan, I’ll never get old. I apply myself. I’ve got pragmatism. In fact, I think I metabolise optimism. I beat the iron filings to the front of the queue when they were giving out magnetism. There’s no competition. To try harder than me would be masochism.
Mother said you live your life for days like these.
She also said, complacency is a disease. Hold my nose I think I might sneeze. I can’t sit still, I can’t settle. I was born wanting to grasp the nettle. Hand me a teabag, I’ll fill up the kettle. If we don’t keep active, we get sloppy. Get your bum on the machine, click photocopy. Think fast. Act fast. I’m the mail that’s delivered first class.
I go through the revolving doors like I’ve been revolving all my life.
Call off the search, I yell. Close your browsers. I’m here to be exploited. Smack my bum, I’ll lower my trousers.
The receptionist hands me a clipboard and a checkbox form and I take it and I check it and tick it like I’ve been ticking boxes my whole life.
I sling it back at her and stroke my quiff which is massive.
I head straight into the interview room like a twitchy cowboy in a bandit saloon.
Yabba dabba do, I say, and I smack my rump so hard that all the windows burst open.
They instruct me to take a seat.
Anything at all, you got it, I yell like Roy Orbison being blasted off to the moon in a giant rocket.
Relax, they say.
I tell them I’m as relaxed as a deflated balloon supping cocktails on an all-inclusive holiday. Then I pour myself over the vacant chair like custard over a smouldering ashtray.
So, tell us why you are interested in the vacancy.
Go to hell, I say.
I beg your pardon.
There’s no time for pleasantry. Let’s get down to business, quit the foreplay. I don’t want to have to run the whole gamut. This is the best job on the planet. Of course, I want it. I’m an XL tub of tenacity. I don’t listen to those who tell me what I can and can’t be. Naysayers don’t speak the same language as me. I make breakfast every morning, and every morning I slide it in the bin just to remain hungry. For me a job is a hobby. I’ll turn up to work so early that you’ll think I live in the lobby. You be Mummy, I’ll be Baby. I’ll pretend to work, and you pretend to pay me. Bring home the bacon? I’ll bring the whole farmyard. You can milk me. Just give me a lanyard…
Suddenly, I’m being led out of the building by security, and I follow like I’ve been dragged out of buildings my whole life.
I say thanks for your time, I’ll be seeing you later. My suit’s so wide that I take off again like an albatross made of burning paper.
Let’s go champ!